I have been known to do the Hokie Pokie next to our clothes line.
Of course, my wife Katherine does not believe me.
"When you hang out the washing, it always has creases when it dries," she complained to me the other day. "You create so much ironing because you NEVER shake the clothes properly before pegging them out."
"But I DO shake them; ask anyone," I said, breaking into song (with accompanying hand and leg movements).
"I shake them to the left, I shake them to the right.
"I do the hokie pokie and I turn around.
"That's what pegging the washing is all about. Oi!"
I have to say this did not go down all that well with Katherine.
Hell hath no fury like an ironing woman scorned, eh?
I used to think that forgetting to clean out my shirt pockets before popping them in the wash was laundry sin No 1.
But lately, it seems, forgetting to shake the washing before hanging it, is a bigger source of annoyance to Katherine.
Perhaps this is just as well.
A short while ago, I attended a citizenship ceremony in Canberra and was pleasantly surprised to be given a sheet with all the words to Australia's national anthem, Advance Australia Fair.
Advance Australia Fair has been Australia's national anthem since 1984.
When I was a boy, Australia's national anthem, like our Mother Country's, was God Save The Queen, and I knew all the words.
But I have never known all the words of Advance Australia Fair, not even all of the first verse:
Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil;
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in nature’s gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history’s page, let every stage
Advance Australia Fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia Fair.
"So THAT'S how it goes," I thought to myself at the citizenship ceremony. "I think I'll keep this music sheet. I'm sure it will come in handy one day."
I folded it up and put it in my top shirt pocket.
I am forever collecting bits of paper I think might be useful one day.
These include old bus tickets, maps, menus, bank statements and notes I scribble so hurriedly I can never understand them the next day - which is okay because I usually forget them anyway.
Until times like yesterday when it was my turn to peg out the washing.
When I wheeled the basket to the line and reached into it, I was less than amused to find what looked like globs of paper stuck like soppy confetti to various items of clothes.
"What the ....?" I swore.
My first thought was that Katherine or our son Jack, 5, had forgotten to remove a tissue from one of their pockets.
My second thought was: "What is that bulge in the top pocket of my blue shirt?"
I pulled out a soggy mound of paper.
I could still see enough ink to tell me what it was.
Yep, Advance Australia in very poor repair, girt by the swirling waters of the washing machine.
"Oh damn," I said. "How did I miss that in my shirt pocket?"
Then the realisation struck me.
Now I have lost the words, I cannot reasonably expect to be called upon to sing the Australian national anthem solo at an important sporting or civic function.
I have to come to grips with the fact I will never stand on a dais, gazing lovingly at the flag and moving a whole nation with my stirring rendition of Advance Australia Fair.
Never.
Ever.
It would just be too much of an embarrassment to myself, my family, my friends and my country.
Having said that though, I am still available in emergencies.
I could do the Hokie Pokie instead.
©August 15, 2001 John Martin. All Rights Reserved
If you liked this short column perhaps you'll like my new comic fiction novel, which has nearly 250 pages of laughs. Check out the first chapter here free