Bellydancing humor: Olympic dream a thrust away

Olympic dream a thrust away

I knew my subconscious must have had a good reason for allowing me to let my washboard stomach go.

All those custard tarts, Black Forest cakes, cheesecakes, mud cakes, etc, etc, have not been digested in vain. I have decided to make good use of my blancmanche-like tummy by offering Australia my services as a belly dancer in the Olympic Games.

Some narrow-minded readers might think I am of the wrong gender for belly dancing. Unfortunately, the world is full of bigots. As a colleague of mine told his teenage daughter recently to dissuade her from enrolling in a belly-dancing course: "Belly dancing is only for fat, middle-aged women."

Not true. Men can also belly dance, according to my extensive research. The fact that I am approaching my middle years and my stomach has been enhanced by good food is just a bonus.

My costume is, as I write, on the drawing board. Basically, my body will be covered only by 3000 threaded fake gold medals as I jingle and jangle my way, mystically and barefooted, to the victory dais.

I have picked up some useful tips from an American named Stefan who has a site about "masculine belly dance" on the Internet.

"To avoid hurting themselves, men should keep in mind some physical gender differences," Stefan warns.
"Women's hips are better built than men's for side-to-side movement, while men's hips are better for forward and back movement. If a man tries to do a side-to-side hip move while holding a pelvic tuck, it can cause him serious back injury (so keep the pelvic bone in the neutral position when doing side-to-side moves, but feel free to use it to emphasise forward and back moves."

Stefan also recommends that men occasionally treat the crowd to slow, fierce gazes.

I have been rehearsing these moves in private in front of our bedroom mirror. So far, not so good. I look like a cross between Elvis Presley and John Wayne but I am confident my outfit will make a big difference.

Of course, there is one other little hurdle.

As yet, belly dancing has not been admitted to the Olympic Games. I find this hard to understand, seeing that synchronised swimming has been entrenched since Los Angeles 1984.

But belly dancing has strong claims.

It has been around since ancient Persia, and has been accepted into dozens of different cultures. It is a triumph of body and mind, consistent with the traditional Olympic ideals.

True, belly dancing is a professional sport. We normally dance for gold coins, rather than gold medals.
But heck, athletics is now a big-money professional sport. So is tennis. There is even a move to get golf into the Olympics.

Who would you rather see? Tiger Woods in a baseball cap hitting his drive 502 metres past the pin or me, belly a'wobbling, fake coins a'dangling to an enchanting Eastern rhythm while the commentators work themselves into a broadcasting frenzy in the press box?

PS: If it is windy during the medal ceremony, please do not look up my costume.

First published in The Advocate, Burnie.

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it