Humor: Memo to the boss from one of the dickheads

Memo to the boss from one of the dickheads

Dear new boss,

Thank you for your latest memo.

It is hard to believe that you have only worked here for a week or so and we have already arrived at work to find memos on our desks four times.

I marvel at your skill in the lost art of writing memos, and with such diplomacy too.

I have talked with some of the guys and none of us can recall having ever been called a dickhead before without actually being called a dickhead.

The gist of your memos seems to be that we have not been doing much right here at all. It is a wonder we have even been able to breathe on all own, such is our incompetence.

I, for one, am so very glad you are come here to save us. I feel suddenly motivated, inspired and driven.

I cannot think of a better way to start my shift than to arrive and find a memo on my desk reminding me of all the negative things going through the boss's mind. But then I AM one the morons to whom you allude.

I did note in your latest memo, boss, that you are quite concerned about our dress standards.

Well, it is about time.

I have been waiting for somebody to notice that my shoes are always on the wrong foot. I never really know for sure.

I have to say that in my six years working here I do not know of a member of the public who has absent-mindedly got past the company security guards, through the computer-coded doors, up a network of corridors and actually seen us sitting working in our secluded office.

But I do accept that one day it might happen and we should be sartorially better prepared.

You insist that we wear "a shirt with a collar, tidy trousers. No runners, and no shorts."

Um, I have a couple of questions on that.

On those really hot, sticky summer weekend days when the office air-conditioning packs it in, and air-conditioning repair people, like executives, are unable to be contacted, are we allowed to take our trousers off in the office?

I am only thinking of the company here. If one of us overheated and keeled over in work time the company could face a very large worker's compensation or insurance payout.

And are we allowed to fashion those memos of yours into shirts. In our own time, of course. At your present rate, I expect each of us will have enough material for a complete outfit in, oh, less than three months. Rather than waste office paper clips, we could use our own saliva to stick the pieces together.

Oh, and I know runners are banned.

But what about footy boots?

Being cooped up in here at weekends, we don't get much chance to wear them otherwise.

You can bring the oranges if you like. They'd go well with the pep talks. And the memos.

Just tell me how many push-ups to do,

sincerely, John Martin

Er, my resume

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