"Is that the copy taker for free under-$100 advertisements in the newspaper?" I asked when a woman came on the phone line.
"Yes it is, sir," the woman said in a calm sing-songy voice. "How can I help you?"
"I want to put in an advertisement for a painting," I said.
"Certainly sir," the woman said cheerfully. "What do you want to say?"
"I don't really know," I said. "I've never done one of these ads before. What do you think I should say?"
"Well, sir, let's see," she said. I could hear a pen clicking on and off. "What kind of painting have you got to sell?"
"It's a green painting," I said.
"Green?" said the woman. "A landscape, is it, sir?"
"No, it looks more like a portrait to me," I said.
"A portrait? And it's green?" said the copy taker, sounding surprised.
"Yes, it's a da Vinci," I said.
"da Vinci? Leonardo da Vinci?" said the woman. "The Italian Renaissance artist who painted the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper? Are you sure?"
"Of course, I'm sure," I said. "It has his signature in the bottom left-hand corner. It's very much like the Mona Lisa but it's green. I suspect it's probably a sister painting."
"Um, you do know this is a free ad line for advertisements offering items for UNDER $100, don't you, sir?" the woman said.
"Of course," I said. "That's why I am calling. It won't cost me anything, right?"
"Well ... yes ... provided it is a legitimate under $100 advertisement, sir. How much did you say you wanted to sell it for?"
"I didn't," I said. "Can't you just put in the ad that all reasonable offers will be considered? I don't intend letting it for for peanuts."
"Ah, there's a problem there," the woman said. "One of the stipulations of our free under $100 ads is that there must be a price attached."
"Can't I say '$99 or nearest offer'?" I said.
"Well ... yes," said the woman. "But that normally means the nearest price under $99 not the nearest price to, er, what's the market value of this piece?"
"I dunno," I said. "My wife bought it at a garage sale for $1 but we now have it insured for $140 million. The premiums are killing us though so I thought the best thing would be to sell it and cut our losses."
"I see," said the copy taker. "And you're absolutely sure it is a da Vinci?"
"As sure as I can be," I said. "It's a large green painting. I think it's from his abstract impressionalist period."
"His what?" said the woman.
"His abstract impressionalist period," I repeated.
"Um, sir, I've studied art a bit," the copy taker said. "And I'm pretty sure that Leonardo da Vinci never actually went through an abstract impressionalist stage."
"You're kidding me?" I said.
"No," she said. "He died in 1519 - about 450 years before the abstract impressionalist period took hold."
"That right?" I said. "But wasn't da Vinci ahead of his time?"
"Well ... yes," the woman said. "He certainly did invent a lot of things and help his contemporaries in the field of science, as well as being a brilliant painter and sculptor ... but, well, he never really got into abstract impressionalism."
"Damn," I said. "And I guess he never offered anything for sale at garage sales either?"
"No, sir, I don't think so," said the woman, who sounded nearly as disappointed as I felt.
"I've been duped, haven't I?" I said.
"Yes, I think so, sir," said the copy taker. "But never mind. I'll put '$2 or nearest offer' in the ad. There's a fool born every minute, so you never know. You might even double your money."
©August 16, 2001 John Martin. All Rights Reserved
If you liked this short column perhaps you'll like my new comic fiction novel, which has nearly 250 pages of laughs. Check out the first chapter here free