Humor: Merry Fishmas, a note to my wife stuck on the fridge

Merry Fishmas (a note to my wife stuck on the fridge)

Dear Katherine,
Welcome back from your two-week business trip. I bet you got a great big surprise when you arrived home and found that lovely pink plastic Christmas tree in the lounge.

Yes, I know it is up early. But I am just following the lead of department stores who all seem to put up their decorations in November.

And I know you simply hate artificial Christmas trees but, unfortunately, the pine ones you so like are not on sale yet, and I really, really wanted to surprise you.

The good news is the plastic tree is unlikely to die from lack of water this far out from Christmas.

The bad news is, in your absence, all your pot plants already have.

The even worse news is that the pot plants are not only dead, but also smell of dead fish.

Please do not be angry with me about this though, Katherine, because I think I can explain.

Yes, I know you asked me before you left to keep the water up to your pot plants but we have had a bout of unseasonably hot weather here and I suspect I might have a touch of sunstroke.

No wonder all the pot plants died. I have been very dehydrated myself. You would not believe the amount of beer I have been throwing back while decorating the new Christmas tree.

When I finally realised, er, um, this morning, that the pot plants looked worse for wear, I remembered you telling me that the liquid fertiliser was in the kitchen cupboard.

I was hoping that would make them well again.

But, clearly, it was too late. Bummer.

And I realise in hindsight that I really should have used the liquid fertiliser more sparingly. I should have at least diluted it in water first instead of squirting it madly around the plants.

How was I to know that apart from not reviving them, it would make them smell like dead fish?

When I looked at the label later, I could see why though.

The stuff is a fish extract. It is MADE from dead fish.

I hope the smell will not detract from the lovely Christmas tree surprise, though, Katherine.

I bet you have never seen a Christmas tree that colour before, eh? Green yes, artificial gold yes, artificial silver yes, ones flecked with fake snow yes. But pink? I am very surprised it has not caught on.

I am sure you will be very proud of me when you find out how little it cost. The salesman at the two-dollar store said the tree had been marked down considerably because no one had wanted to buy it for six years now.

Yes, I am fully aware, Katherine, that you hate artificial trees.
I know you prefer us to handpick a freshly hewn pine tree just a few days before Christmas so we get the full smell of the nice glossy green pine needles in the house.

But I have figured out a compromise.

And it will save us money too!

Since we have no further use for it, I have splattered the rest of the bottle of liquid fertiliser around the base of the pink Christmas tree so we get that aroma instead.

Love John

PS: I have gone to the bottle shop to buy some more beer.

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it