I gave two little guys a terrible fright last Halloween Day. I shoved sweets in their hands before they had a chance to scare me.
That's what I am supposed to do, right?
People dress up in their scariest garb - as witches, vampires or Osama bin Laden - and knock on your door expecting to be given loose change or lollies in return for leaving you alone?
Forgive me for not having a full grip on Halloween Day which is not a very big deal here in Australia at all.
In fact, if asked what was significant about the date October 31, most Australians would probably conclude that it was the day before November 1.
And if we answered the door to find a witch, vampire or Mr bin Laden there, we'd probably call the anti-terrorist squad.
Not me though.
I'm eudcated.
I cut my trick-or-treat teeth on the Partridge Family and the Brady Bunch and I know about these things.
Thus it was no surprise to me last October 31 when I answered the door to find two very scary young men there. I didn't give them a chance to say boo. I shoved two minties into their hands and told them to bugger off.
"But we want to talk to you about God," protested one, who looked remarkably like the other in his black pants, white shirt, thin black tie and the worst haircut I had seen since I looked at the other guy's head.
"Er, this has nothing to do with Halloween, does it?" I stammered.
"No sir, we're missionaries from the Church of God On the Little House on the Prairie Right Next Door To The House Of the Rising Son and we would like you to read some of our literature," one of them replied. "Don't be afraid. There's no pressure."
"Um, I'm not interested," I said, regrouping my thoughts. "Actually, er, I am a Druid."
"Pardon, sir?"
"I'm a Druid," I lied again. "That's why I got mixed up about you guys and Halloween. Halloween, of course, was originally a Celtic festival for the dead. I like to get back to basics every October 31. Those sweets your just put in your mouths might look and taste like minties but actually they are made from the root of a 1500-year-old tree which has amazing anaesthetic powers. We give them to all people who volunteer for human sacrifice duty."
The missionaries looked at me with terror in their eyes.
"Hey!" I said, "You wanna know more about it? I've got some literature of my own here somewhere. Let me go and get it."
I barely turned around and they were on their bicycles and gone - whoosh, in a flash of colour and crome and fear for their souls.
Got to laugh, eh, on Halloween?
"Hey," I called after them. "Don't be afraid. There's no pressure."
©October 15, 2000, October 31, 2001 John Martin. All Rights Reserved
If you liked this short column perhaps you'll like my new comic fiction novel, which has nearly 250 pages of laughs. Check out the first chapter here free