Finding memo humor: When the boss gets a sore head

When the boss gets a sore head

This exchange of department e-mails never actually happened - or did it?

OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Fred, I have a headache. I just asked my secretary to get me a couple of headache tablets from the office first-aid kit and she says we have a company policy not to provide them any more. Is that right? Is so, when and why did this happen? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

That is correct. We decided at the budget meeting last year, remember, that providing headache tablets was against our company drug policy.
It was item 26B on the agenda, right after 26A which my proposal for the Staff Toilet Paper Incentive Scheme. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

I cannot remember anything about the Toilet Paper Incentive Scheme. I have a throbbing headache, so I can't think straight, but was I even at this meeting? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

According to the minutes you were. Unless it was just someone who looks like you. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

So what is the Toilet Paper Incentive Scheme? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

We ended up not voting on it but I promised to do some work around the fringes and resubmit it at the next budget meeting with some further recommendations on how we could administer such a scheme.
Basically, it's a twist of the user-pays system:
For every year of service to the company, each employee gets an increased quota of toilet paper a week.
Should, however, an employee get to the end of November without using his or her quota, the excess will be included in his or her Christmas bonus. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

I thought our company policy prohibited Christmas bonuses? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

It does, but only for money. It says nothing about toilet paper. I thought that would be a nice gesture to the staff. Lift their morale a tad, eh? - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Fred, my head really hurts and I probably should know this but ... why does the Workplace Health and Safety Officer attend Budget meetings anyway? I wouldn't have thought you would need to get involved in those kind of matters. - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Yes, there is that line of thought. I look at the bigger picture though. I think that the health and safety of the board is vitally important to the welfare of this company. If I can make my masters happier, healthier and richer by identifying ways we can cut a few costs here and there, even if it means making the workers unhappier, unhealthier and poorer, I am happy to contribute. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Oh sheesh, my head feels like it is going to burst. Tell me about the anti-headache tablet policy again? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

We don't condone the use of any drugs or alcohol at work. Period. It just encourages sloopy work, possibly putting employees at risk. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

But that anti-drugs policy doesn't include headache tablets, does it? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Oh yes it does, indeed. Headache tablets are drugs, too. I have heard - and I don't know if this is true, but it might be - that if you mix a common headache tablet with a popular brand of soft-drink found in one of the soft-drink dispensing machines on this floor of the building, you have a very potent drug on your hands. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

That so? Well, why didn't we just remove the soft-drink machine instead of the headache tablets? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

We make quite a lot of money through commission from the soft-drink machine. Why do you think it gets so hot in here at times? When the air-conditioner is not, ahem, working very well it a) saves on electricity; and, b) makes people spend more money on drinks. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Is that legal? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Soft-drink is perfectly legal in this country, I think you'll find if you check it with the company lawyers. Only the drugs are illicit. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Oh, my aching head! Maybe I need medical help. Do you know anything about aneurysms? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

I don't know. I'll find out though. I'll see if anyone in the office knows first-aid. Someone here must be a former boy scout. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Sheesh, what happened to the first-aid officer we had on staff? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

I had to let her go. There wasn't enough work to justify keeping her on the books. Not in this department, anyway. I had to let her go to another department. I think she's an outsourced cleaner now. - FD

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

What? Let me get this straight: we longer have any trained first-aid officers on staff? And - oh, I'm not sure I can stand this headache much longer - we don't supply headache tablets? What the heck do we have in the first-aid kit? - RB

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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

We have a very good snake-bite kit, that came free with some promotional material. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Snake-bite kit? What are the chances of a snake climbing up 18 sets of stairs and getting past security? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Not great, I have to admit, even now our security guards have been retrained and outsourced as window cleaners.
But I feel we have to be seen to be providing staff with the very best first-aid care that money can buy. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Oh, my poor head! Whose money? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Not ours, thank goodness. The company that made the snake-bite kit. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Did we pay for ANYTHING in the first-aid kit? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Of course we did. Who do you think paid for the tin of mosquito repellent? - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Oh my head, my head. It's snowing outside! Why on earth do we need a tin of mosquito repellent? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

We don't. The repellant in the tin seems to keep the mosquitos away quite nicely. I can't begin to think how much money we have saved.- FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Ahhhhh, my poor head. Let's get back to the policy on headache tablets, Fred. How much did headache tablets cost the company last year? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

You'd have to ask the account section. But I can tell you that our staff went through 37,632 headache tablets in the last six months of the financial year. That's a lot of drug-addicts we supported. I'm not sure we can justify that kind of cost to our shareholders, do you? I don't think we should be in the business of encouraging staff to have headaches. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Oh my head! I'm dying. I'm dying! Why don't we incorporate a Staff Headache Incentive Scheme in with the Staff Toilet Paper Headaches scheme? That way we could still stock the tablets?
My guess is that providing headache tablets is preferable to losing man-hours, with people going home sick. - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Well, yes. But that still doesn't solve the problem of how to administer the scheme; it just compounds it. I think it would need to be a full-time job. It would be too much responsibility for somebody else to take on on top of their present duties. We'd have to employ somebody especially. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

Mmm, perhaps. Or maybe we could just redeploy somebody. You can always find somebody in the office with not enough to do. - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

They'd have to have management skills. And they'd have to enjoy hanging around toilets and first-aid kits. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

What about you, Fred? Are you interested in a career change? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Me? No, no, not me. I think I'd be completely the wrong person for the job. I don't like hanging around first-aid kits at all. - FD
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise
To: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork

I think you should think about it, Fred. I think you could play a key role in this.
Why don't you come and see me this afternoon and we will discuss it? - RB
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OFFICE MEMO

From: Workplace Health and Safety Officer, Fred Dork
To: Manager Director, Roger Bignoise

Um, this afternoon? I can't. I'm ... er ... um ... busy. In fact, I won't even be here. I ... er ... um ... have to go home. I've got a headache, and I can't find a headache tablet anywhere. - FD

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it