Humor: A message from the sharp end

A message from the sharp end

"Hello, this is your pilot speaking and I would like to welcome you all aboard this No Frills Airlines flight today.

"We will soon be reaching our cruising altitude of, oh, very high up in the air. I can't tell you exactly how high because that particular gauge is still under the impression we haven't even left the ground and everyone up here in the cockpit has agreed that that can't be right.

"When I say EVERYONE I really only mean myself and my flying instructor.
"We do have other people on board.
"But they are busy providing the in-flight entertainment at the moment.
"You can hear the flight engineer telling jokes on channel two, the chief stewardess singing her rendition of Oops, I Did It Again again and again on channel four and I will be on channel three later reciting poetry - as soon as I get the hang of it up here.

"You will notice that channel one is not in use. We like to keep this one open in case we have to send mayday messages. For that reason, we ask you to please refrain from tuning into this frequency and jamming the line at a time we might really need it.

"We were going to offer an in-flight movie, but unfortunately our projector is still broken.
"As a special consolation treat, the flight engineer, the chief stewardess and myself have decided to put on a short puppet show about two hours into our flight. By then, the plane should be flying high enough to clear, with minimal supervision, the tops of the mountain ranges on our flight path.

"We had hoped to project the puppet show on our on six small screens positions strategically around the cabin.
"Unfortunately, these recently had to be removed from the interior of the plane to be used on repairs to the exterior of the plane.
"Passengers near windows on the left-hand side might possibly be able to catch a glimpse of the show on various points of the wing.
"For the rest of you, I am very sorry but you will just have to crane your necks to see.
"Think of it as an exercise to ward off Deep Vein Thrombosis.

"As this is truly a No Thrills flight, we will shortly not bring around refreshments, and hope you have packed your own sandwiches.

"May I remind you that International Airspace Regulations forbid the use of garlic in your sandwiches either on this plane or in the terminal. We also have garlic detectors in the toilet. If garlic is detected in the toilets, a trapdoor will be automatically triggered and offenders will plummet to earth.
"I'd like to apologise in advance if these detectors malfunction and innocent people are sucked out of the plane. All I can say to them is, thanks for flying with us."

"A word on your safety:
"Under your seat you will find state-of-the-art life jackets. Well, they were state-of-the-art in 1945 when this plane was built somewhere in the old Soviet Union.
"If there are any Russians, Ukrainians, Latvians, Siberians, Lithuanians or Mongolians aboard today, perhaps you could help us translate the instructions because we haven't got a clue how it is all supposed to work.
"Good luck to everyone in the likelihood of a crash into the water.
"I am pretty sure that that red thing on a string which looks like a red whistle on a string is in fact a red whistle on a string. And I am also pretty sure you are supposed to put it up to your lips and blow in it and be happy."

"A word on your security:
"You may have noticed that our X-ray machine was broken at your point of departure, which might have left you will the impression that no passengers or items of luggage went through security checks.
"May I put your minds at rest, however, by saying that EVERY passenger and EVERY item of luggage will be thoroughly checked after you disembark from this plane.

"May I conclude by wishing you all a happy flight with us today. We hope to have you on the ground sometime after the end of the puppet show. I hope that those people who make it back from the toilets will chose to fly with us again, and when next we meet I no longer have those big L-plates dangling on the tail wing."

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it