Humor: Test series for new citizens

Test series for new citizens

Like Australian Prime Minister John Howard, my mate Orville is a cricket tragic. So it really didn’t surprise me to hear him say that he doesn’t think the government’s proposed new citizen test goes far enough.

“They should know the difference between silly mid-off and silly mid-on, like the rest of us,” Orville snapped.

I doubt Orville’s great-great-great-great grandfather knew much about cricket when he arrived in from Mother England on a convict ship. The only silly thing he ever did was steal the local lord’s deer.

At the weekend, the Federal Government issued a discussion paper suggesting migrants would have to take compulsory tests that would assess their English skills, knowledge of Australian history and values, before they became citizens.

Questions could include: what animals are on our national coat of arms, what phone number do you call in an emergency, what does the Australian flag look like, what is the national flower, who is Australia's prime minister, where is Federal Parliament located, and what year was the Australian constitution written.

The government has called for community input into its plan for a formal citizenship test for migrants, which is all very well for them.

Now Orville, who takes his lead for the leaders, thinks he has a political mandate to get all worked up and patriotic right in my ear.

"The should be asked the name of which famous cricketer labelled John Howard a cricket tragic,” says Orville, pleased with himself for mentioning both his heroes in one sentence.

"And how many cans did Boonie drink on the plane to England that time?”

"And how many times did Dean Jones threw up when he scored his double century in England.”

What? I had to try to stop Orville here before he got a run on.

I don’t know much about cricket, silly mid on or silly mid off but I asked Orville if Dean Jones is the same former cricketer who was sacked recently from a radio job for calling a bearded South African Muslim a terrorist.

“That was an accident,” Orville said. “Besides, what’s that’s got to do with it?”

“Think about it,” I said.

©September 21, 2006, John Martin. All Rights Reserved

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it