Humor: Conjugating the herb to be

Conjugating the herb to be

"Something has been eating my mint," exclaimed my wife Katherine as she pointed to a worse-for-wear plant in her herb garden.

"Well, it definitely wasn't me," I said. "I don't even like mint."

Nor sage.
Nor basil.
Nor parsley.
Nor dill.
Nor thyme.
Nor oregano.
Nor rosemary.
Nor anything else that might grow in the little plot of garden outside the kitchen window.

Katherine disputes this.
She uses lots of herbs in her cooking and I very seldom refuse to eat a dish.
Um, well never actually.

But I do draw the line at mint. I always have.

When I was growing up, mint was one of the few herbs we actually knew about.

It was a traditional accompaniment to roast lamb.
When we had roast beef we had Yorkshire pudding but when we had roast lamb we had mint sauce.

Well, most of us did anyway.
Not me though.
Did you know that bruised mint was used by athletes in Ancient Greece as an after-bath lotion?
The thought of ingesting something that had once soothed a sweaty athlete put me right off it.

We knew about parsley when I was a youngster, too.

According to an old wives' tale, if a woman planted parsley, she could soon expect a child.

I doubt this was true.
I think it was just a rumour spread by a young husband who could not be bothered to plant the herbs himself.

I read today about another parsley myth: "It can be dangerous to transplant parsley or give parsley roots away. To do this safely ask the person receiving the parsley to dig it up themselves."
I suspect this one was spread by the same lazy bloke.

For the record, it was not me.

Oh, I did let Katherine plant her own herb garden but only because she LIKES planting herbs and I LIKE eating cheesecake, cream pies and Death by Chocolate cakes while I am watching TV.

Alas though, my eating habits are taking their toll and I really must start that diet ... er, tomorrow perhaps.

Which reminds me, did you know that celery was used by the Abyssinians for stuffing pillows?

Great idea! As soon as I finish this column, I am going to stuff my pillow with celery too.

I read recently that you use more calories in the act of eating celery than you get from it, which probably explains why I do not enjoy eating it.

Imagine how much weight you could lose by just sleeping on it though.

Hallelujah, I will start my diet tonight.

Well, I am going to sleep on it anyway.

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