Humor: Ripping the top off a six-pack

Ripping the top off a six-pack

I am sooooo proud of myself. I just bought a six-pack of toilet paper from the supermarket.

This might not seem like such a big deal to you.
People do it everyday, right? Thousands of people. Hundreds of thousands of people. Millions of people.

But not me.
My wife Katherine usually buys the family's toilet paper as part of the weekly grocery shop.
I cannot remember buying toilet paper all by itself. Never. Ever. Until today.

"There are only one-and-a-half toilet rolls left in the house," I complained to Katherine this morning.

"Don't worry. I'll buy some more," Katherine said.

"When?" I said anxiously.

"When I get the groceries," Katherine said.

"That's Saturday!" I exclaimed. "That's nearly three days away. One-and-a-half rolls will NEVER last that long."

Katherine said nothing.
But I knew what had to be done.
I knew this was a time for me to stand up and face up to my responsibilities as the man of the house.
I quickly calculated the odds of one-and-a-half rolls of toilet paper lasting three people, all with tummy bugs, for three days.

"I'm going in," I announced. "I'm going to the supermarket. Don't try to stop me."

To my surprise, Katherine didn't.
And she gave me the barest of instructions on what type of toilet paper to buy.

I am 42 and quite clearly remember having to use thunderboxes and strips of recycled newspaper in my youth.
I have worked in the newspaper industry for most of my working life so the very thought now of all that hard work going down the toilet makes me cringe

I also remember making mercy dashes to corner shops when I was a boy.

"I want you to buy a roll of toilet paper," my mother would say. "Quickly, dad needs it NOW."

"But mum," I'd complain. "Why can't you send one of my sisters? I'm embarrassed. I don't want everyone in the shop to know that we use, er, um, toilet paper."

This never worked.
I just tried to mask my embarrassment by also buying a lot of things we didn't actually need, then, almost as an afterthought, saying to the shopkeeper, "Oh, and I'd better have a roll of toilet paper while I'm here too."

This behaviour continued after I moved out of home and I had to fend for myself.
My cupboards were always full of things that bachelors don't need, like vegetables, fruit and soy products, all because I was too afraid to buy toilet paper on its own.

"Silly, really," I said to myself as I surveyed the row on row of brands of toilet paper at the supermarket today.

White paper, pink paper, blue paper.
Single ply, double ply.
Recycled.
Scented, unscented.
Paper with flower patterns.
Paper with pictures of animals.
Single rolls, dual packs, six-packs and more.
I was in toilet paper heaven.

For the record, I chose a six-pack of crisp, white paper which cost me less than $5.

I half-expected the woman at the counter to engage me in the sort of polite toilet paper chat that would ensure that I never bought another roll of toilet paper.
Something like: "Oh, have you tried the new soft blue toilet paper in aisle three?"
Or: "You know this has been recycled. I think I've sold this very roll before."

But she didn't.

I was very relieved.

All she said was: "So, you need to go to the dunny, eh?"

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it