Humor: Fame and fortune finds me at last

Fame and fortune finds me at last

My self-esteem sky-rocketed today. I found out that they actually know who I am at the chamber of commerce in Nigeria.

That might not seem like a big deal to you.

But it is to me. I was beginning to think no one wanted to know me. Oh, I was not at the stage of contemplating ending it all, but I have to confess I did contemplate once or twice changing my deodorant.

Then today, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from James Obi, who says he is a civil servant in the Nigerian Ministry of Health.

"l know this proposal will come to you as a surprise because we have not met before either physically or through correspondence," he said.

(Too right. I think I would remember if I had had physical contact with a Nigerian man.)

"I got your contact from our chamber of commerce here in Nigeria and have no doubt in your ability to handle this proposal involving huge sum of money," he said.

Who? Me?

How would the Nigerian chamber of commerce know me? The chamber of commerce in my home town does not even know me; only the bad debts office does. I might be a busy-body and I might do some bustling as well as hustling, but I am not a businessman. And I have never even been to Nigeria. Heck, I would have more chance of correctly pinning the tail on the donkey while blindfolded than picking Nigeria out on a map without some decent clues.

But I re-read the e-mail.

It seemed ridgy-didge enough.

All I have to do apparently is help Mr Obi get $US18.5 million out of his country and I will receive a cool 5 per cent in payment.

Wow, I am very flattered to be asked. As I said, my self-esteem has sky-rocketed. I cannot believe they not only know me at the Nigeria chamber of commerce, they know me well enough to commend me as a suitable person to help with this very large transaction.

Had this e-mail arrived yesterday, I am sure I would have jumped at the chance to earn an easy $1 million.

But, wouldn't you know it, it never rains but it pours. I have had another windfall.

I received an earlier e-mail from the Netherlands, saying my name had been picked from more than 30 million e-mail addresses from Australia, New Zealand, America, Europe, North America and Asia as part of International Promotions Program, which is conducted annually, as the winner of one million five hundred thousand Euros.

Being unfamiliar with the European currency, I have no idea how much this actually. But it sounds like a lot.

And the curious thing is I do not even remember buying a ticket.

I buy a ticket in Australian Tattslotto every week, and I am yet to win anything bigger than the price of a Big Mac and a cup of coffee.

And now I win the first prize in an overseas lottery I cannot remember entering. Isn't that remarkable! I could probably buy my own McDonald's franchise now.

There is a catch, however.

The convener of the lottery, Mrs Joy A.A., says that, being a non-Dutch national, I can only access my winnings by lodging a "non-deductable advance payment of processment and legal documentation charges of 700.00 Euros."

As I said, I am not familiar with the European currency - so I have no idea how much that really is.

But it could not be much, could it? Not compared with one million five hundred thousand Euros anyway.

And I am good for it. I really am.

In fact, I have already e-mailed Mrs Joy A.A. and told her I fully intend to come up with it as long as my horse wins next weekend.

If she does not believe me, all she has to do is contact my new-found friends at the Nigerian chamber of commerce and I am sure they will vouch for me.

In the meantime, if someone less fortunate and more stupid than myself wants to take up Mr Obi's kind offer, please feel free contact him at Plot 225 Kofo Abayomi Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria. His telephone is listed as 234-805-542-4095 and he gave two e-mail addresses: jamesxobi@tiscali.co.uk and jamesjj@hknetmail.com.

Tell him I recommended you. Networking, you know. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it