Humor:

Why I have to cop it sweet at the zoo

If the zoo I take my son Jack, 5, to next week has orangutans, I could have some explaining to do to my wife Katherine.

You probably know that an orangutan is a large reddish-brown man-like ape who comes from the jungles of Sumatra and Borneo.

But Jack clearly does not.
The other day, by chance, I asked him what he thought an orangutan was, and he said:
"I think they're those white things covered in hundreds and thousands [sprinkles]."

"For goodness sake, Jack, don't dare telly mummy that we saw white cakes with hundreds and thousands in the zoo," I spluttered. "I'm in enough trouble as it is."

The trouble has to do with my sweet tooth and Katherine's concern that I don't eat too much food that is going to clog up my arteries.
I am sure she has employed Jack as a spy.
If I so much as look at a cream bun while I am out with him, he reports it as soon as we get home.

I do not know what became of the father-son cream-bun code-of-honour.
When I was a boy, I never, ever blabbed on my father despite sharing numerous cakes and chocolate bars with him on outings.
Of course, he did develop heart disease - which, I guess, is why Katherine is so concerned about my eating habits.

The other day, I took Jack to a local playground.
I had strict instructions from Katherine that we were to stop at a bakery and buy Jack a finger bun with hundreds and thousands.
She did NOT say that I was to abstain from a cake myself.

Well, would you send an alcoholic into a bottle shop?

Nooooooo.

What about me, I thought as I eyed all the delicious cakes at the bakery counter?
What am I going to do at the playground while Jack is devouring his finger bun with hundreds and thousands?
Won't people think I am a weirdo if I just sit on the bench, drooling while I watch him eat?

I made an executive decision.

I decided to buy myself a caramel scroll.

We walked on to the playground - Jack with his finger bun with hundreds and thousands, me with my caramel scroll.
My scroll had been stuffed full of so much caramel cream, it was squishing out the sides.
The shop attendant had apologised for this while she was wrapping it, but I was much too polite to demand that she exchange it for one with much less caramel cream.

"What have you got there, daddy?" asked Jack as I started munching into my scroll at the playground. "Can I try that?"

"Okay," I said reluctantly.

He took a bite and liked what he tasted.

"Yummy," he said.
He held up his finger bun, which had already been stripped of much of its top layer of icing and hundreds and thousands. "I've got an idea: let's swap."

"No, Jack," I said. "I don't particularly want your finger bun. I just want MY caramel scroll."

The upshot of this was that Jack finished licking the icing from the top of his finger bun, left the boring bits, and moved on to my scroll again.
He has the extraordinary ability to wolf down all manner of sweet things at a rapid pace, yet he is the world's slowest eater when it comes to carrots and peas.
I cannot think who he gets this behaviour from.

He played a while, and then we walked home.

"Did you have a nice time, Jack?" Katherine asked when she saw us.

"Yes," said Jack. "I had a finger bun with hundreds and thousands. And guess what Daddy had? He had a caramel scroll and it was all squishy."

"Er, I asked for a low-fat one though," I lied, trying to make the best of a bad situation. "And anyway, Jack ate nearly half of it."

Katherine was not amused.

Jack is now on school holidays.

Katherine has taken him to Sydney for a few days this week.

Next week, it's my turn.
I am taking him to the New South Wales south coast for a few days, and we plan to visit Mogo Zoo.

I haven't got a clue whether there are any orangutans in Mogo Zoo, but if there are I intend to play it safe and stay well clear.

I get caught eating enough rubbish, without having to take the heat for exposing Jack to white things with hundreds and thousands.

Anyway, I'll be making a beeline for the enclosure with the caramel scrolls in.

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it