Humor: Orville and Me

There's gold in them thar fish
I had to tell my friend Orville today to go get a haircut, so I could test my fish theory.
"But I don't need a haircut," he protested.
Sheesh, he sounded a lot like I did when I was a teenager and my father used to say: "Why don't you go and get a haircut, you long-haired lout?" MORE ...

Just a matter of common scents
Hands up all those people who like my new underarm deodorant?
Mmmmm. Nice isn't it?
It is called Wild Rain.
I have no idea why it is called that. Last I noticed, Wild Rain was no more fragrant than steady drizzle. MORE ...

Lost, but not in love with orienteering
My friend Orville cannot understand why I do not like orienteering. It's because, I tell him, I never got the map-reading gene when I was born.
"But you ought to like it," he berated me. "You spend a lot of your time watching sport on telly and talking about sport and thinking about sport." MORE ...

Test series for new citizens
Like Australian Prime Minister John Howard, my mate Orville is a cricket tragic. So it really didn’t surprise me to hear him say that he doesn’t think the government’s proposed new citizen test goes far enough.“
They should know the difference between silly mid-off and silly mid-on, like the rest of us,” Orville snapped. MORE ...

Don't hobnob with doorknobs
Alas, my mate Orville is not the sensitive kind. When he heard I had just lost my job, he was quick to tell me it was actually my fault.
'My fault!" I said. "How can it be my fault. My editor called me into his office and told me to make my next column my last."
"My point exactly," Orville said. "Just because he called you in to his office, doesn't mean you had to go." MORE ...

Are the wings still there yet?
I do not care what my friend Orville says. Watching a movie at 28,000 feet feels unnatural.
"Reeeeelaxxxxxxx," Orville told me before I set off from Australia to New Zealand in a jumbo jet. "Just sit back and enjoy the inflight movie." MORE ...

Mis-snake'n identity
red belly black snake Will somebody please remind me in a few months' time that I stuffed my seven-year-old son's toy rubber snake in a box in the garage?
Being terrified of reptiles, I would hate to forget and give myself a mighty fright when I am looking for something else.
Jack's rubber snake is a very life-like model of a cobra.
Um, well at least I think it is life-like. We have lots and lots of different types of poisonous snakes here in Australia but until the other day I did not even know we had cobras too. MORE ...

Get out in that kitchen and feel green rattling those pots and pans
We have just moved into a house that was built 20 years ago. No mystery there.
But there is something that has been worrying me. If the house is only 20 years old, how come the kitchen and bathrooms look like they are 30 years old? The feral kitchen has bright lime green veneer and the bathrooms are decked out in vivid blue tiles with fake water splashes. MORE ...

Reluctant greenfingers can't warm to worms
As a person who hates all things to do with gardening, I was horrified to find out a worm had got into my computer.
"Not a garden worm, you pillock," my friend Orville told me. "A computer virus worm." MORE ...

Trysting by the pool
Thank you to the outgoing couple who have made me feel better about paying a "spectators" entrance fee to swimming pools.
I paid $2 to get into Manuka pool as a so-called spectator on Valentine's Day and I feel I got my money's worth at last.
I have been peeved for a long time about having to pay a "spectator's" entry fee at various pools in Canberra. MORE ...

Saved by a Salvo, at a price
I was not going to say anything about this lest it upset my wife, but I am pretty sure that a lady from the Salvation Army has seen my, er, willy.
"For goodness sake though," I told my mate Orville during our game of Truth or Dare. "It was years and years years ago and I swear NOTHING happened." MORE ...

Taken to the cleaners
I have a mind to go tell the owners of my local suburban grocery store that they have a nasty stain on their floor.
"So why don't you?" asked my friend Orville.
"Because I think they already must know," I said grumpily. MORE ...

Message in a bottle from a washed-up nervous flyer
If scientists discover a fear-of-flying gene one day, does that mean that people like me will not be able to get travel insurance?
My friend Orville says it is relatively safe to board a chunk of fuselage heavier than my house, defy gravity by taking off, go hurtling across the sky until it is time to come down, then land as if nothing particularly ununusal has happened.
But I am not convinced. I still dislike flying.
It is a genetic fear. My great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather also hated flying. So does my mother. MORE ...

What a curable romantic I am
My friend Orville thinks I am insensitive. I have booked to go back into hospital the day before my eighth wedding anniversary.
"It was the only date I could get," I protested.
Um, this was not strictly true. MORE ...

Erasing eyebrows and departing hair
Baldness is just a state of shine, but nobody ever says anything about the mental state caused by disappearing eyebrows.
Not that mine have gone. Yet.
But I AM worried - really, really worried - after a trip to my barber Luigi last week. MORE ...

Public liability issue cuts deep for us chess players
My friend Orville has tried to bring a halt to our weekly games of chess because he says we cannot afford escalating premiums for public liability insurance.
"Why do we need public liability insurance?" I asked him in amazement.
"In case somebody gets hurt," he said. MORE ...

Holy donkey Eddie Murphy gets the last laugh
I had just got over the shock of seeing Eddie Murphy depicted in a nativity display at my local shopping centre when I found out that the price of my weekly lottery ticket has gone up 20c.
"What is the world coming to?" I wanted to scream at the ticket counter.
I did not, but only because I was with a close friend I did not want to embarrass. MORE ...