Humor: Sharks need their personal space, too

Sharks need their personal space, too

It is no comfort to me that statistics show that I am more likely to die of a bee sting than be eaten by a shark.

I have been stung by bees and, yes, it hurts. But if I was given the choice of facing a bee or a shark, the bee would win every time.

It seems to me that even if the shark does not actually kill you, there is a good chance you might lose a leg or an arm - and calamine lotion, which you might otherwise use to sooth bee stings, is not going to stem gushing blood flow a lot.

How are we supposed to react when sharks kill people?
There was a time, not too many years ago, when the people's popular reaction would have been:

GET THE MOTHER!

Er, AND the Father.

AND the Shark in Question and its Whole Bloody Family.

Shoot 'em.

String 'em Up by their Dorsal Fins.

Make the beach safe for humans again.

No more.
The Great White Shark is a protected species. More often than not now, there is now a groundswell of opposition to hunting the killer down and destroying it.

We read stories in the newspaper that try to put our minds at rest.
Do not worry, they say, more people die in Australia from bee stings and lightning strikes than shark attacks.

This might well be so - but I cannot remember when a bee last chewed off a man's leg.
And who is most likely to be struck by lightning? Golfers? Silly buggers for being out in the storm in the first place!

I was reading the Shark Attack File (Taronga Zoo), web site a while ago, and found out that are several theories as to why sharks attack humans:

"Some 'attacks' may be purely an inquisitive testing of an object, some may be territorial, others may be related to the invasion of the shark's personal space by the human," the web site said.
"Other theories include curiosity (i.e. just testing an object with its teeth to see if it is edible), or the shark may have been disrupted during its breeding behaviour.
"Some authors have suggested that only rough or injured sharks attack humans, however, there is insufficient scientific evidence to support this theory."

I am pretty sure we can add "revenge" to these theories.

Some years ago I read an amazing statistic at an aquarium. I forget the actual figure (and I have no idea how they worked it out) but the thrust was that humans eat many, many more sharks than sharks eat humans.

I fear the sharks are just trying to redress the balance.

I must confess to having eaten shark - marketed as 'flake' - in fish and chip shops.
But I like to think that, however guilty I might feel now, I was at least a bit more discerning than sharks who eat humans.
At no stage did I ingest any flippers or surfboards with my flake - just a little vinegar, salt, and some hot chips.

Australia, being a great big island, has many thousands of kilometres of coastline, and hundreds of beaches where people swim. Is it our fault the sharks were there first?

I live quite safely in Canberra, two hours' drive inland from the east coast.
I do, however, every now and then, on very, very, very hot days, venture down to the beach.
Most of the time, I am very happy to stay on the sea shore, enjoy the sea breeze and take my chances there.

You could say I draw a line in the sand:

Sharks over there, me over here.

Only when I have scanned the ocean surface with high-powered binoculars for at least an hour without seeing any dorsal fins do I even think about dipping my toe in the water.

Thanks to the Shark Attack File, next time I will go especially well equipped and feel extra safe. I will take with me in a special waterproof bottle the Shark Attack File's handy little 10-point plan about how to prevent a shark attack.

1. Do not swim, dive or surf where dangerous sharks are known to congregate.
(JM: This means, I think, that they suggest I should stay in Canberra and swim in Lake Burley Griffin.)

2. Always swim, dive or surf with other people.
(JM: preferably people who are fatter and more delicious than me, perhaps garnished in vinegar and salt.)

3. Do not swim in dirty or turbid water.
(JM: I wish they would make their minds up. Now they DON'T want me to swim in Lake Burley Griffin.)

4. Avoid swimming well offshore, near channels, at river mouths or along drop offs to deeper water.
(JM: No problem; I make a point of never going deeper than the kneecaps of the smallest person in the vicinity.)

5. If schooling fish start to behave erratically or congregate in large numbers, leave the water.
(JM: and get a fishing rod and the vinegar and salt.)

6. Do not swim with pets and domestic animals.
(JM: except fat, juicy and tender pets garnished in vinegar and salt, especially ones who are prepared to sacrifice themselves to save their masters.)

7. Look carefully before jumping into the water from a boat or wharf.
(JM: just in case the tide is out and there's a shark stuck in the mud down there.)

8. If possible, do not swim at dusk or at night.
(JM: and if you simply have to swim at night, wear a miner's hat with a light and a canary and carry a Cornish pastie, flippers and a sprig of parsley to appease hungry sharks.)

9. Do not swim near people fishing or spearfishing.
(JM: you might scare the fish away and, in the confusion of being abused by the fishers, never even see a shark sneaking up)

10. If a shark is sighted in the area, leave the water as quickly and calmly as possible.
(JM: 'quickly' presents no problem to me. It is likely I would break the land speed record from the coast to Canberra. I cannot guarantee 'calm').

Finally - and this is something I have taken upon myself to add to the list - never, ever go to the beach smeared in honey, even if you have high-powered binoculars and a 10-point anti-shark attack plan.
You might eat more sharks with vinegar, but you attract more killer bees with honey.

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it