Humor:

How to make a radio transmitter out of coconuts
As a person who has actually been stranded on a desert island, I think I am qualified to write about this.
Have you ever been asked to name a book you could take with you if you knew you were going to be stranded on a desert island? MORE ...

On the cutting edge with the Swiss Army
I have a Swiss Army pocketknife so, um, I have to ask: what is it that the members of the Swiss Army actually do?
Apparently, the Swiss Army knife was invented for the army more than a century ago to help soldiers assemble their rifles. I read on the web that the Swiss Army today is a fine, fine organisation which still gives each new recruit his or her own Swiss Army Pocketknife. MORE ...

Tie a yellow necktie 'round the old snakey
I knew my old neckties would come in handy one day.
My eight-year-old son came home from his school holiday program last week and asked me if I had one or two to spare. Apparently, his class were using them to stuff and make snakes with little button eyes. MORE ...

Why I'm all shook up after the show
When I was eight I thought that the ferris wheel was the biggest, scariest, most daredevil ride in sideshow alley history. Now I am 46, I realise I was wrong. History has moved on. My wife Katherine and I took our eight-year-old son Jack to the Royal Canberra Show on Saturday and let me tell you they have invented all manner of rides that make the ferris wheel seem positively tranquil. MORE ...

More funny than you can poke a stick at
A work colleague has a friend who, being without a TV remote, changes channels with a stick.
No kidding. He likes to watch telly in bed and wields the three-foot stick to change channels so he can does not have to move too many muscles. MORE ...

Sitting the big test
For those readers who are just dying to sit down, I have good news.
I stumbled yesterday upon an eight-page booklet entitled Adjusting Your Chair.
Yes, it seems that someone has finally worked out how chairs work - which must come as a great relief to people who say they like standing but are in fact too embarrassed to sit on chairs in public for fear of doing it incorrectly and thus making fools of themselves. MORE ...

Pain in the rum
I am not sure how many days are left until Christmas but the good news from my household is that the rum butter is already made.
Making rum butter is a tradition in my family.
My father, who came to Australia from Workington, Cumberland, in northern England, used to make it for our family each year. MORE ...

Whiff of nostalgia
In 500BC, the world's first municipal dump was opened in Athens, Greece. That might not mean much to you but it does to me because I've been to our local tip twice in the past three days and I've gone from perspiration to inspiration.
When I read about the Greek venture in 500BC, my first reaction was: "Wow, what foresight! Were they cleaning up the city for the Olympics?"
My second reaction was: " I wonder if they know the price of entry has gone up?" MORE ...

Peggers can't be choosers
Hanging out the washing was something I never used to think about a lot.
Not when I was a bachelor, anyway.
There were always more important things to worry about. Which party to go to? Which fast-food joint to visit for dinner? Which dirty pair of socks
were the least dirty to wear to the party or fast-food joint? MORE ...

Christmas fare that's not fair
Do you think cholesterol tests are seasonally adjusted? I can only hope not.
With Christmas coming up, I just know I am going to eat a LOT of things that I shouldn't - and this might put my levels up a notch or two or, cough, three.
I had a blood test last week, see, and the results probably won't hit my doctor's desk until the new year. So I'll be OK, won't I? Er, won't I? MORE ...

Leaping over tall buildings with a single hop
My eight-year-old son was devastated by the death of Christopher Reeve. "Who is going to play Superman now?" he asked me.
"Well," I said, puffing out my chest. "There have not been any Superman movies recently but when there is one coming up I suspect I will be one of the candidates they will seek out for the role." MORE ...

Moving experience for a bloke
A person, coincidentally a female, told me the other day I must feel very excited to be moving house soon.
Um, "excitement" is not the word that springs to mind for me. I just wish I could snap my fingers and I'd be wherever I am going to with whatever I need to take with me. MORE ...

In this public space, no one could hear me scream
They never warn you about wearing your new bifocals when you use a public urinal.
Instead the women in the optometrist's fitting section say only vague things like: "It might take a bit of time to get used to these, Mr Martin, so you might want to interchange with your other glasses for a few days." MORE ...

Sharks need their personal space too
It is no comfort to me that statistics show that I am more likely to die of a bee sting than be eaten by a shark. MORE ...

Better call me because I can't call you
Aren't I lucky! I have a mobile phone with a new psychedelic screen.
There was a time in life when I might really have appreciated its swirl of colours too. Like cool, man.
But I have moved on a bit and the hardest thing I take nowadays is aspirin. I am 46 and all I really wanted when I bought my phone was, well, a phone. MORE ...

Bamboozled man in the ring
Did you know that mobile phones these days come with 50-metre swimming pools?
Neither did I until until a phone company representative rang me yesterday and asked if I wanted to upgrade my phone.
I was entitled to a "free" upgrade to a "basic" model phone, she said.
But if I was willing to pay just a teensie, weensie bit more, say $44,000 a month, I could have one with e-mail, backlit screen, Olympic-sized swimming pool and as much caramel fudge as I could eat. MORE ...

Have electric guitar, will torture
My seven-and-a-half-year-old son Jack has discovered what he thinks is the coolest FM channel on our car radio.
Hey, I have always liked listening to music while driving the car.
But not the kind of stuff "his" station plays. I like music I know. I like to sing along to classic rock and blues. Eric Clapton. Van Morrison. Neil Young. Heck, I have even been known, in Jack's younger days, to sing along to Bananas in Pyjamas, complete with hand movements (which is not easy when you are driving) or Hello, Mr Whiskers. MORE ...

There's no business like showbags business
Agricultural shows invoke a jumble of memories for me. These include showbags, sideshow alley, the smell of animal poo, dagwood dogs and fairy floss.
These are in no particular order. It is almost as if my memories have been mixed up and shaken up on the hirdy-girdy.
Truth is, I have not been to a show for four years but I have a feeling that I might have to go this year. MORE ...

Santa goes offshore and beyond
I have told my seven-year-old son Jack that Santa Claus has set up an enclave of elves in China to make his toys.
I had to.
He wanted to know why some toys he got from Santa last year had "Made in China" stamped on the bottom and not "Made at the North Pole." MORE ...

A blast of Monty Python at my job interview
Next time I go for a job interview, I plan to take along my sousaphone.
Well I could not do any worse than the interview I went to the other day, where I serenaded them with the Monty Python Flying Circus theme, could I?
It was a serious interview for a serious job and I was in the middle of seriously answering a serious question when the mobile phone in my pocket began to ring.
Oops. Oh dear. I forgot to turn it off before going in. MORE ...

Pop goes the theatre cynic
What is it with the popcorn they sell at cinemas? It is always way too salty and way, way too expensive for my tastes.
Could it be it is soooooo salty so it will make you soooooo thirsty you will return to the cinema kiosk and beg to pay a lot more money for a drink? Or am I just a cynic?
As happens a lot on school holidays, I took with my seven-year-old son Jack to see a movie yesterday. MORE ...

There's gold in them thar urinals after all
I suppose it had to happen. Now they are putting advertising in men's public toilets.
And sometimes it is right in your face on the wall above the urinal.
"Hmmm, I see they're having a 50 per cent sale at the hardware shop," you find yourself saying to the bloke next to you. "I think I'll go straight down there as soon as I finish peeing. I do need a new hammer." MORE ...

Rubbing snow into old wounds
I am feeling a little guilty because yesterday I received my first Christmas card for the season.
Sheesh, is that the date?
I have not started writing cards yet.
Until yesterday, I had not even thought about starting to write them.
And, to be honest, the senders of my first card would not have been on my list even if I had. MORE ...

All stressed up, no way to mow
I should have known that you get what you pay for.
I bought a push mower for $5 at our local recycling centre last week.
"Hey," I told my wife Katherine. "Who cares if it does not work too well. It will give me some good aerobic exercise pushing it." MORE ...

Hey son, give me back my trousers
I have no idea why I have never been head-hunted for a position as a fashion consultant.
Possibly it is because I think fashion crazes are confidence tricks.
Call me cynical, but I think they are designed to make money for the movers and shakers and con people in the fashion industry. MORE ...

My sceptical carpet ride
I have nothing against professional carpet cleaners. Anyone who can look at a red stain on a carpet and identify it immediately as Grange Hermitage 1963, made from grapes grown on the eastern side of the hill, has my utmost respect.
Unless, of course, I happen to know the stain is actually beetroot circa 2002 from a tin that used to be on a shelf on the western side of our pantry. MORE ...

Beware of falsetto Idols
I read in my newspaper today that Canberrans will be glued to their televisions tonight for the final of Australian Idol.
Um, do we have to? All 308,700 of us?
My wife and I were planning to go to our son's school Christmas concert tonight. I am going to feel soooooo conspicuous if we are the only ones in the audience. MORE ...

Fame and fortune finds me at last
My self-esteem sky-rocketed today. I found out that they actually know who I am at the chamber of commerce in Nigeria.
That might not seem like a big deal to you.
But it is to me.
And all I have to do to become rich is help get $US18.5 million out of the country. MORE ...

Turn that funky music down, boy
I was pretty sure they had music in the 1950s.
At least, that is what I told a young woman I met at a budget-price CD stand the other day.
"Excuse me (middleaged gentleman)," asked the woman, who was just 17 or 18, as we browsed side-by-side. "Do you know when the disco era was?" MORE ...

Raiding the fridge is all relative
I wonder if Albert Einstein had our kitchen refrigerator in mind when he got to thinking deeply about physics?
Don't laugh. Our fridge would be a veritable treasure trove for scientists with inquiring minds.
Only the other night, when I raided the fridge for a midnight snack, I found a chicken that came pre-packed with four drum sticks rather than the customary two. MORE ...

Scales of injustice on my holiday
Before I tell you about my holiday at the seaside, I want you to know two things that I think are relevant.
1. The red-bellied black snake, which lives in south-eastern Australia, is one of the most poisonous snakes in the world.
2. I am dead scared of snakes. The deadlier the snake, the more dead scared I am. MORE ...

Please leave a message after the bleat
There is obviously money to be made from impersonating the voices of famous people on answering machines.
If you are a handy impersonator all you have to do is pretend you are George Bush or John Howard and say something silly.
"John Howard here. If that's my close personal friend George again, crikey it's midnight here in Australia and I am counting sheep. But I did like you said, and have despatched our troops to the Gulf. Please leave a message after my bleat and I will answer it as soon as I wake up to myself and pull the wool back from over my eyes." MORE ...

Why my Irish eyes will be smiling on St Patrick's Day
Why would an Australian bushranger with a bucket on his head go to the trouble of chasing all the snakes out of Ireland? MORE ...

When my trick came up a treat
I gave two little guys a terrible fright last Halloween Day. I shoved sweets in their hands before they had a chance to scare me.
That's what I am supposed to do, right?
People dress up in their scariest garb - as witches, vampires or Osama bin Laden - and knock on your door expecting to be given loose change or lollies in return for leaving you alone? MORE ...

Can you keep a little secret?
I wish they would stop sending my wife e-mail about penis enlargement.
How many times do I have to say this: Katherine does NOT have a penis.
Unless you count mine as belonging to her, of course.
But I would dispute that.
True, we did strike a marital pact to share our belongings but you cannot lump my willy in with our collective CD collections and cooking utensils. MORE ...

Whole Lotto shaking going on
A wise man once told me that it was a lot more satisfying earning a million dollars than winning it in a lottery.
This was not the same wise man, incidentally, who smiled knowingly at me when I bought my winning Tattslotto ticket last week. MORE ...

Bottled water: I wish I had thought of that!
I am not surprised that Australians are going through more aerated and bottled water these days. It is thirsty work watching the amount of sport we watch.
According to new figures, the average Australian drinks 113 litres of the bottle water a year - up four litres each in the past year.
We also watch a LOT of sport, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics' 85th edition of its annual yearbook.
We have to. Our own involvement in organised sport apparently peaks at age 11 when we are asked politely to move to the perimeter and watch. MORE ...

Taking a leaf out for a good cook
Colourful nasturtiums used to grow wild in my garden when I was a bachelor but I swear I never ate them.
My memory of them came flashing back today when my wife Katherine came home from her parents' place with a bag of mystery ingredients. MORE ...

A bedtime story for losing weight
Of all the junk e-mail I receive, I think my favourite is the one that arrives with the title "LOSE WEIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP".
I am not sure why this appeals to me so.
Perhaps it is because I am carrying a bit of extra weight and cannot be bothered doing anything drastic to lose it.
At 44, I am not too far removed from a generation of men who wore their beer bellies like badges of honour. MORE ...

The loudest kid on the block
Car stereos have come a long way from the days I used to do blockies around Launceston with Graeme "Shirley" Strachan screeching out of a tiny transistor.
Strachan was the lead singer of a Australian group called Skyhooks in the 1970s.
I read in my newspaper that a bloke from Queensland with a $52,000 car stereo reached 149.6 decibels to win a loudest car stereo competition at Summernats at Exhibition Park in Canberra. MORE ...

There's a clown in them thar hills
It's tough being a gold-miner, but I suspect being a clown is even tougher.
My son Jack, 5, and I panned for gold last week at a gold rush theme park, Old Mogo Town, on the New South Wales south coast.
All we found, however, was that our hands went quite numb in the water which was icy cold. MORE ...

Brow-beaten at the hairdressers
I think they ought to amend the sign hanging in my local hairdressers' premises. It says something like: "Parents, please check your child's hair for lice in order to save embarrassment for you and us." MORE ...

Mungo Man rewrites Australian history
When I was a boy my school history books led me to believe that Australia was settled first by the British, in 1788.
I now know that to be nonsense.
The Australian Aborigines were here a lot, lot longer.
Well, the plot thickens. Scientists in Canberra, where I live, have released the results of DNA testing of an ancient Australia skeleton. MORE ...

I came, I saw, I conked out
If you have ever had to drink a glass of somebody else's saliva, you can probably sympathise with me.
I recently had to drink a whole glass of a dubious substance called sakau in order to follow my long-time rule: when in Rome, do as the Romans do. MORE ...

The Australian national anthem goes (clothes) line dancing
I have been known to do the Hokie Pokie next to our clothes line.
Of course, my wife Katherine does not believe me.
"When you hang out the washing, it always has creases when it dries," she complained to me the other day. "You create so much ironing because you NEVER shake the clothes properly before pegging them out." MORE ...

Missing at sea
It is not beyond the realms of possibility that a small, yellow plastic
spade will one day wash up on the shores of the east coast of North America.
If you find it, it belongs to me.
Er, well, not me exactly.
It belongs to my four-year-old son Jack. MORE ...

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it