How Major B.S. plans to get Australians back in the air
Adventure travel operator Major Jeremy Billycock-Smythe announced yesterday
he was returning to his core business, with plans to build a
terrorist-unfriendly cable-car network around Australia.
"THAT'S not adventure travel!" a journalist moaned loudly at Major B.S's
press conference.
"Oh, my dear, dear boy," Major B.S. shot back, rolling his eyes. "Tell that
to the passengers when their cable-car breaks down on a cold and windy
night over Bass Strait. I think you will find that they will certainly
class it as travel AND adventure. High adventure."
Major B.S., a former British SAS officer and mercenary, is the principal of
Trojan Horse Tours, which came to prominence in Australia with the launch
of its fully escorted tours of the battlefields of Chechnya.
Unfortunately, the first intake was captured and thrown into
prisoner-of-war camps where they still linger, despite a botched rescue
attempt by Major B.S..
Major B.S., also gained notoriety when he led a group of paying tourists on
a trek across the Nullabor Plain, in an tour dubbed "Adventure by
Flip-Flops Under the Southern Cross", and got them lost and very nearly killed.
More recently, the company, operating as Crocodile Trainee, attempted to
weather the downturn in the tourist industry by teaching basic commando
skills to executives.
Major B.S. spoke enthusiastically of the venture in November.
"We see a number of good reasons for companies to send their executives to
us for management training," he said then.
Yesterday, however, he said that the time was ripe for the company to
return to its core business.
"Oh, I made a lot of very, very, very good contacts in the travel industry
during this time," he said.
"The downside, however, is that, following the downsizing of the industry,
most of them are now either unemployed or work in completely different
industries."
Major B.S. said he was determined to keep a stiff upper lip though.
The cable-car network idea, tentatively dubbed the VSCCS (Very Slow
Cable-Car Service), was a result of that good old British will to overcome
adversity.
"We did flirt briefly with the idea of running a hang-glider service
between states, until someone pointed out not only do hang-gliders have
limited room for baggage but also they could be easily hijacked.
"Try diverting a cable-car though.
"You can't.
"Our cable-cars will have no drivers; they will be fully automatic.
"We will push them off at Point A and, hopefully, they will keep going
until point B. And there will be no tall buildings on the way."
Major B.S. said that, as much as he sympathised with the plight of former
employees and creditors of the now defunct Ansett Airlines, he probably was
not interested in buying any of its equipment now up for sale.
"As far as I know, they never went in for cable cars," he said.
"Pity.
"I suppose we could just take the wings off some planes and improvise.
"But then, what would we do with all those leftover wings? Stick them on to
the side of real cable-cars and try to sell them to New Zealand?"
Major B.S. said a couple of minor hurdles had to be overcome before the
VSCCS could become a reality.
"I will be approaching electricity and telecommunications companies to ask
them if they mind us using some of their poles," he said.
"I am especially interested in coming to terms with those authorities on
Flinders island because I suspect our line across Bass Strait will sag in
the middle without a pole there.
"I hope also that the Federal Government will come through with a few
teensie weensie tax breaks.
"I hope to make them realise that the success of this project will not only
benefit the Australian tourism industry as a whole, it will also benefit
Trojan Travel greatly."
©March 11, 2002 John Martin. All Rights Reserved
NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it
Australian writer John Martin gets his alter-ego Johann Trim to report on the misadventures of Major Jeremy Billycock-Smythe
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