Satire: Major B.S. pressed into travel tourism service

Major B.S. pressed into travel tourism service

The accident-prone principal of Trojan Horse Tours, Major Jeremy
Billycock-Smythe, has answered an SOS to head up a new Australian
Department of Travel Tourism.

In doing so, he has abandoned plans to lead a novice crew of paying
customers in the Sydney to Hobart yacht race at the end of the year.

"First and foremost, I am a soldier, and I have a strong sense of duty,"
Major Billycock-Smythe, a 6 foot 2 Englishman with a giant handlebar
moustache, told journalists in Canberra yesterday.
"It wasn't an easy decision to make, but this country, a country for which
I have nearly died, is in dire economic trouble and needs me.
"The Australia dollar is in international freefall and the country has had
one quarter of negative growth and might be headed towards another and, consequentially, a technical recession.
"I firmly believe that I can turn things around. We have it in our power
for a adventure tourism-led recovery."

Major Billycock-Smythe, a former British army officer and mercenary, was telling no lies when he said that Australia is a country he nearly died for.
It really did nearly kill him.
His last full-blown adventure tourism venture went wrong In December when he set out with three Australian men, two American men and a New Zealand woman in thongs (flip flops) to walk from the eastern end of the 260,000sq km barren desert plateau the Nullabor Plain in South Australia to Perth in Western Australia.
They never reached their destination, sparking an extensive land and air
search and raising grave fears for their safety. Fifteen days later, they
walked into the small town of Cook, remarkably close to their departure
point, having walked around in circles. Police refused to let them try again, saying they were grossly ill-equipped for the trek.

Major Billycock-Smythe is a recent arrival to these shores, a fact which
has stunned public service watchers who were under the impression that only Australian citizens or permanent residents were eligible for these types of posts.

He first set foot in Australia in August, and only then briefly for Trojan
Horse Tours to launch its much-vaunted war-zone tours.
The plan was to take adventure tourists in tanks on to the battlefields of Chechnya. At the time, Major Billycock-Smythe said:
"Do you know how many people, by accident of birth, are born into long-term peaceful countries and will never have the opportunity to experience the
horrors of war? We can give them that experience, for a price."

Unfortunately, the tour had to be scrapped when the first intake of
war-zone tourists were all captured and put into prisoner-of-war camps.
Major Billycock-Smythe escaped, testimony perhaps to his British SAS
training, his experience as a mercenary in six wars on three continents and time in nine prisoner-of-war camps.

Although he was saddened by the failure of the venture, he kept a stiff
upper British lip about it.
"We have clearly delivered MORE than we promised," he said.
"Not only have we given 11 civilians a glimpse of life in war, we have also
ensured a FREE holiday extension for them - in an ALL-EXPENSES-PAID prison camp. It's not an opportunity that falls into everyone's lap."

In late January, still rehydrating after his desert drama, he stunned
Canberra journalists by unveiling his Sydney to Hobart venture.

The 630 nautical mile Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race, which has been raced annually since 1945, traverses one of the world's most treacherous
stretches of water, Bass Strait, which is is notorious for its short, steep
seas due to its relative shallow depth and strong currents.
In 1998, six crew members perished at sea when a mighty storm struck the
fleet as most of the 115 yachts entered Bass Strait.
Trojan Horse Travel's plan was to raise a sunken Russian submarine, refit it with sails, install the latest navigational equipment, and enter it in
the race.

"Yes, I expect it to be tough," Major Billycock-Smythe said. "Wimps need
not apply. We don't expect to win, of course, but we do expect to provide
the adventure of a lifetime for a few people. Oh, and I might add, I have
never lost anyone at sea yet."

"This is a chance for ordinary folk to sail in one of the great yacht races
in the world," Major Billycock-Smythe said.

"For a price, we will put them in a sleek boat, train them in the most
rigorous conditions and sail out of Sydney Harbour with the fleet next
Boxing Day."

Training started in sabots on Lake Burley-Griffin in Canberra in February.

It was curtailed somewhat last week when the lake became contaminated and had to be closed for recreational purposes.

"It really had nothing to do with us," Major Billycock-Smythe said. "Yes,
we pride ourselves on being rugged adventurers but that ruggedness has
never extended to going to the toilet in the lake. We have access to other
facilities.

"But the delay certainly did not help us and possibly contributed to my
decision to become the head of the new Department of Travel Tourism.

"I want to stress that no member of our Sydney to Hobart training party
will suffer financially because of this decision, however.

"We fully intend to refund ALL of their fees, less our expenses.

"I might add though that it has proven quite expensive to try to secure the
Russian vessel. And the rent of the toilet block was horrendously expensive.

"Unfortunately, we have had to pull out of the Russian deal, despite all
the money we have spent, but if any members of the group are emphatic about still sailing in the Sydney to Hobart race we will not stand in their way if they want to negotiate fair and reasonable prices for one of our sabots, bearing in mind that these also cost us a lot of money."

Major Billycock-Smith was tight-lipped about his plans as Secretary of the
Department of Travel Tourism, other than to say that he was confident of
attracting mega overseas dollars into the country's coffers.

"I see this as a real growth industry - it's unchartered territory," Major
Billycock-Smythe said.

"And the beauty is it is all so ecologically sound.
"You don't get a plane-load of American tourists and put them on a smelly, smoke-belching bus and drive them across the country to see the sights.
"You make them walk or run or row or sail — and they will pay you for the
privilege.

"And it's so cost effective.
"You don't charge them a fortune for an eight-course banquets in five-star
hotel.
"You charge them a fortune for a tin bowl half full of bush tucker outside
of a tent that they're really keen to stay in at night to keep the dingoes
at bay."

Major Billycock-Smythe admitted that he had not actually been assigned any
staff yet.

"This is a new Department. I expect, as with all new ventures, teething
problems," he said.

"In fact, I haven't even secured premises yet.

"For the interim, I will be operating for a while from the ablutions block
on the banks of Lake Burley Griffin. The lease has a bit to go."

©March 29, 2000, John Martin. All Rights Reserved

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