Satire: Why Major B.S. wants to dig a tunnel to refugees

Why Major B.S. wants to dig a tunnel to refugees

Adventure travel operator Major Jeremy Billycock-Smythe announced plans yesterday to dig his way into the new refugee camp on the little Pacific
Island of Nauru.

This announcement comes just weeks after the retired British major ("oh do
call me B.S., old boy, everyone does") returned from Chechnya after a
mission to rescue 12 tourists who were captured while in his care on a
war-zone tour.
His party tunnelled into the wrong prison camp and rescued the wrong 12 people, and brought them back to Sydney, adding to Australia's growing
illegal immigrant problem.

"I do not expect to make the same mistake again," said Major B.S., who now bases his Trojan Tours group in Sydney even though he has become person non-grata among prospective adventure travellers following a string of spectacular flops.
"I am truly appalled at the way the Australian Government handled the
recent stand-off with the refugees who were rescued at sea by that
Norwegian ship.
"The other day I read a letter to the editor in my local newspaper in which
the writer said he was ashamed to hear than other Australians saying they were ashamed.
"Well, I want to say that I am ashamed he was ashamed that they are ashamed."

Four hundred and thirty-three people, mainly Afghans, were rescued from a
sinking 20-metre ferry in the Indian Ocean on August 26.
The ship, the SS Tampa, which had been taking freight from Fremantle to
Singapore , headed to Christmas Island, an Australian territory 2600
kilometres north-west of Perth on the west coast.

But they were not allowed to land.
There was a six-day stand-off as Australia refused to let the immigrants
even enter Australia's territorial waters, taking a tough stance against a rising tide of illegal entrants —and Indonesia refused to take any
responsibility despite being the last port of embarkation.

When the ship's captain, Arne Rinner, under pressure from deteriorating
health and conditions aboard, defied instructions and came inside
Australia's EEC, the ship was boarded and taken over by 45 Australian commandoes.

Despite a howl of international condemnation, the people were still not allowed to disembark, however, with Australia's prime minister John Howard determined that he had to send a "not welcome here" message to the human cargo trade. He denied that he was trying to pander to an ugly underbelly of xenophobia within Australia to win support for his conservative government ahead of a tough year-end election.

Out of the blue, little Nauru came into the picture.
New Zealand agreed to take a few of the refugees — but most were
transferred ship-to ship to the Australian troop carrier Minoora which set sail from Papua New Guinea, from where the refugees (and about 200 more refugees who have since been intercepted sailing towards Australia) will be flown to Nauru. There, they will be processed by the United Nations High Commission for Refugees.

"Nauru, can you believe it?" said Major B.S.
"I have been to Nauru during my travels of the Pacific looking for new tour routes and I have to tell you there's not a lot there.
"They closed the main street, which intersected the runway, so the plane
could land.
"Will the refugee camp have to be moved five metres to the left every time a plane comes in, too?"

Nauru , a coral atoll 42 kilometres south of the equator, is one of the
smallest republics in the world with a total land area of 21 square
kilometres (8.1 square miles).
Its highest point is 65 metres but it is very much under threat from the
"greenhouse effect" If global warming of the earth causes sea levels rise,
the habitable low-lying land areas will be at risk from tidal surges and
flooding.

Australia has agree to pay Nauru $20 million for the privilege of taking
the refugees, plus any others from time to time.

The issue has become clouded because the Australian Federal court has ruled that the detention of the refugees aboard the Tampa was illegal.
Justice Tony North has ordered that the refugees be returned to Australia,
where their applications for asylum be processed.
Last last night, the Australian Government announced it would appeal against the decision to the Full Bench of the Federal Court, which leaves the asylum-seekers in limbo.

"The whole thing is just disgusting," Major B.S. said.

"I think these people — and, no matter how the Government spin doctors want to present them to the media, they ARE people — should not be used as political footballs.

"They are been through enough ordeals.

"They have come from a war-ravaged, oppressive country.

"Who knows what misery they endured?

"Who knows how much money they had to beg, borrow or save to buy tickets on a cramped Indonesia boat headed for a new life in a free country, somewhere they could perhaps feed and educate their children?

"The boat was 20 metres long and there were more than 400 of them at sea for 10 days. Appalling!

"What went through their minds when the boat started to sink?

"Thank goodness they were rescued by the Norwegians, but then the
Australian Government left them bobbing on the ocean for six days without sight of the promised land. Unbelievable!

"How could anyone be so heartless be so heartless?"

"Do you think they had any idea what was going on? I think not."

Major B.S. is banking on that lack of knowledge of Australian current
affairs to mount a surprise assault on the camp.

"Rescue? Oh no, I'm not planning to rescue any of them," he said yesterday.
"I just want to dig a tunnel into there and see if I can sell them a few
adventure travel packages before they find out who I really am."

©September 12, 2001 John Martin.
All Rights Reserved

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it