Satire: Tour operator declares war

Tour operator declares war

Retired British SAS officer Major Jeremy Billycock-Smythe has made a bold foray into the adventure vacation market.

He is offering three-week war-zone packages.

"This is an untested market," Major Billycock-Smythe, the principal of
Trojan Horse Tours, admitted this week.
"But I can think of no plausible reason why it won't take off. Do you know how many people, by accident of birth, are born into long-term peaceful countries and will never have the opportunity to experience the horrors of war? We can give them that experience, for a price."

Major Billycock-Smythe —"oh do call me BS, old boy, everyone does" — is no stranger to battlefields, it should be noted.

Six foot two, two axe handles wide, with one admirable, bristling
axe-handle moustache, he is an imposing figure who has fought in six wars on three continents.

Admittedly, all were as a mercenary, after he left the SAS in strained
circumstances which he refuses to discuss — and the sides which employed him lost all six times but he puts those defeats down to other people's incompetence, not his own.

One of the big regrets of his early military career was missing action in
the Falklands War in 1982, when Argentinian forces occupied one of the formerly great Britain's last pieces of the empire, 200 islands in the
south Atlantic Ocean (population: 2000 people and lots and lots of penguins).
England, under the bulldog leadership of the Iron Maiden prime minister
Margaret Thatcher, retaliated with brutal force, sending the might of its
forces to recapture the windswept Falklands.
Ten weeks later the Argentinians, who had claimed sovereignty of the
islands since 1820, surrendered and the British flag was raised again in
Stanley, the main town and port on June 14.

Major BS's chest still swells with pride as he can almost hear God Save The
Queen blasting out again. "Awfully sorry to have missed it, old chap, but I was laid low with a dose of the clap at the time," he said. "Picked it up during a tour of duty in Northern Ireland. Very dirty toilet seats in the barracks there, I say.

Dirty toilet seats will not be a worry for patrons on the war-zone tours,
it transpires.

Trojan Horse Tours has bought and extensively refitted two six-berth tanks
from World War II.
Both vehicles were remodelled with disabled access to comply with various international laws, but there was not enough room for ensuites.

Major BS does not think this will be a problem.

"We're taking about war zones, man," he said, his bristling moustache
bristling. "Who has time to sit on the lavvy and read The Times when
there's Scud missiles flying about and bomber jets buzzing you?

"Besides, who actually believes those pictures you see of battlefields
covered in mud. Do you really, really think it is all mud?

"War is a dirty business and you cannot expect so much as to be able to wash your hands until it is all over, and that is if you even have hands
left to wash."

Major BS said he stakes his reputation that vacationers will be safe, however, adding, "I haven't lost a civilian yet, only large groups of
soldiers and never a white one.

"We have taken every measure to ensure the comfort and safety of our paying customers.
"I will personally escort each group, I'll even take a share of the driving.

"On top of this, our tanks have been fitted out with the latest satellite
positional and communications software. This means that, at any time of the day, you will be able to calculate your position within the tank AND listen to the BBC home service.

"We will also be armed to the hilt with the latest infra-red weapons and
the latest-model microwave oven."

As well, every paying passenger would receive his or her own sterilised, personal stainless steel bucket. These could be used while tanks were being buzzed with bomber jets, or as helmets when being attacked and they were in
deep shit anyway.

Major BS said that vacationers would be given the chance to pose for
vacation snaps next to war dead.

And if they were very lucky they might get a free bonus all-expenses paid
vacation extension in a prisoner of war camp.

"I think this is a very exciting time for Trojan Horse Tours," Major BS said.

"Remember, this is only our first venture.

"If this takes off, the sky's the limit.

"For instance, we know of several World War II plane wrecks lying around in the jungles of New Guinea and on reefs in the Pacific. If we can get our hands on a couple of these, get them flying again, and fit them with the latest microwaves, I am sure potential vacationers will beat a path to our door.

"And then there are the plans for our underwater cruises.
"We have our eyes on a former Russian submarine. If we can buy it, will plan to refurbish it and offer paying customers the chance to experience
three weeks of claustrophobia and fear that someone might drop a depth
charge on their heads.

"Every paying customer will be issued with a really, really big hat — like
the Russian sailors wear — and, oh, yes, and a stainless steel bucket."

NB: I called this site Dunno because I kept drawing a blank when I had to put a name to it